Here I Am Again

Life has been crazy lately, yeah? The entire world flipped a bit last year. COVID-19 popped its ugly little head into the world just as we were laying my father-in-law to rest–after pneumonia racked his body for most of 2019. It was a difficult season for us. We are thankful he is a peace, now with His Maker and once again with his wife of many years, who went before him years ago. But we miss him–a lot. But COVID-19 and the chaos it created in the universe didn’t allow us much opportunity to grieve well. We were way too busy grieving with the rest of the world over the daily fears and tribulations of navigating life in the middle of a pandemic.

Life is now attempting its gradual steps back to normalcy–both in our own home and in the world at large. I feel that the world-at-large seems to be struggling way more than my home does, however. Almost everyone in my immediate family now has at least one vaccine in their systems, and we are feeling a bit safer to venture out into our “normal” lives again–at least a little bit.

For me, that means once again–and finally, after so many crises of both personal and universal nature–setting my thoughts onto paper (or as this case may be, electronic type). I promised myself shortly after my mom died in 2013 that I would write a book. A novel this time–by choice, not by necessity of needing to communicate to those we love while enduring the trial of cancer treatment. This time, I would write what I WANT to write, about what I WANT to write about. The date at the top of my computer file for this amazing new novel is: February 15, 2014. Yep. You read that right. I began my magnum opus seven years ago. A lot of things have gotten in the way–the biggest one has been my own personal fears. Never let a good fear go to waste, right?

In all honesty, fear has ruled much of my life. As a child, I experienced abuse at the hands of someone who had no right to abuse me–but then, does anyone have a right to hurt another? Someone who was entrusted to care for me, protect me, not damage me. Partly for this reason and partly because it’s the way I’m designed (ever heard of Hippocrates’ study of temperaments–I’m firmly in the middle of his category of Melancholic, with a deep-rooted need to feel secure in all aspects of life) my need for security has always taken precedence over any desire of my heart. The only reason this blog was ever started was to share how my family and I were fairing during my cancer treatments in 2009-10. The fear of cancer way outweighed any inherent shyness with sharing my thoughts, feelings, and daily life with the “public” of my friends and extended family. When it became apparent that others besides our network of friends actually wanted to read it–even long after the treatments ended–I had them edited, bound, and published by Amazon.

I kept the blog going, but never felt like I had much to say to world at large. Fear at work, once again. Here I am years later and still don’t, really. Fear partly, but in all fairness, I’m not sure the ramblings of a middle-aged, middle-class empty nester is all that exciting. But maybe I don’t give it enough credit for there being a wide range of people who fall in this category wanting to know they’re not alone in the world. In any case, I’m giving it a whirl once more. Why? When I don’t feel as if I have anything to say? Because somewhere deep inside I think I might. And because more than anything else I want to write this book. It’s burning a hole in my soul right now and desperately needs to be written. And if I’m going to actually sell the book once it’s on paper, apparently I have to have a reader base established. Who knew? 21st century publishing is CRAZY, let me tell you! The learning curve is HUGE for me right now. But I’m trying. And lucky you, get to follow along while I process all that entails.

So if your interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged, middle-class, empty nester who’s trying to navigate the process of writing and publishing her first novel while dealing with the potential wasteland that delving into abuse can bring about, then please join me. Also, I’d love to hear from you and know why you’re interested and what peeks your interest along the way.

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